Virtual reality's lonely lifestyle; in a society where so much emphasis is placed on mass communication, it seems surprising that loneliness has become a major ailment afflicting many Americans - Brief Article - Statistical Data Included

Despite the burst of community spirit exhibited all over the landscape after Sept. 11, Americans seem to have moved back to a preattack mode. Society has returned to the status quo, says Mary Jo Marchionni, a career and personal coach in Havertown, Pa., who counsels clients about the matter.

The villain? Marchionni blames the Internet. "It allows us to be isolated from activities that once required participating in the world, such as grocery shopping," she says. "Things that used to seem like chores now are the avenues for getting out to see people."

Individualistic lifestyles are fodder for loneliness, say cultural observers. "Some people are willing to accept the price of loneliness for the freedom that they think they have," says Paula Danzinger, a counselor and educator at William Paterson University in Wayne, N.J. "Loneliness is not so much about being alone as it is about feeling alone. The feeling of not being understood, of not being supported, of not being cared about, can cause a person to feel much lonelier than if they were actually alone." Examples:

Johann Christoph Arnold, a social critic and author of Escape Routes: For People Who Feel Trapped in Life's Hells, says Americans cannot seem to depend on others for even the smallest things. "To me, loneliness is one of the greatest hells today's man can live in," he says. "Forget about the Information Age; we live in the age of loneliness." His solution: relying less on technology and more on people.

"The time we spend on the computer cuts down on the time we could devote to a spouse, child or coworker who might be sitting right next to us," Arnold says. "I wish the day would come that our technology would collapse and, instead of depending on the technology, we would depend on each other."

It's a medical fact that lonely people get sicker sooner, says Bruce Rabin, medical director of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center's health-enhancement program. People who have had a heart attack or stroke are at a greater risk of having another one if they have little social interaction, he says.

But isolation seems built into the American psyche. Some 16.4 million Americans work out of their homes. And more Americans are living alone than ever before: 27 million one-person households, to be exact. Such a large population of single adults was unthinkable in previous generations. Loneliness also exists among the married if partners cannot or will not understand each other's needs.

"Most people do not know that loneliness is a problem until they feel it," says Gilda Carle, an authority on relationships and a grief therapist in Yonkers, N.Y. "Our culture typically incorporates Band-Aids in the form of material things to get us to forget about ourselves."

Joseph Tecce, an associate psychology professor at Boston College, says the lack of human touch is the essence of loneliness. "With all the cyber-richness of the Internet, its virtual reality cannot replace a warm smile, a firm handshake or a reassuring hug," he says. "It is essential to connect with someone in conversation and to share good and bad feelings to ward off loneliness."

Robert Putnam, author of Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, finds it ironic that so many people watch Friends rather than having friends themselves. People may be a little less lonely now, Putnam says, citing interviews conducted last November with 500 subjects who were also questioned a year earlier. When originally asked to identify the number of people they felt they could talk to if they were having a personal crisis, most couldn't think of anyone or only a few people. The events of Sept. 11, however, made the interviewees realize that people they didn't consider close actually are individuals they can turn to in times of crisis.

JOANNE HUDSON WRITES FOR Insight's SISTER DAILY, THE WASHINGTON TIMES.